“Well, Come on out! ……

……. The air is fresh, the chairs are uncomfortable, and the lemon bars are zingy!”

Lemon Bars – I didn’t know they were even a thing. So, I didn’t know they were so tasty nice. And I never realised they are so, so, so tasty nice.

As many do, I sought answers to my personal conflict. So I blame Reddit and tongue in cheek memes for my new found love of Lemon Bars. I’ll cover bisexual memes and social media in another post – it’s quite an eye opener for the uninitiated.

Here, I am going to discuss the reasons why I came out as bisexual. I didn’t need to as such. I’m married to a woman, have two children and live in what would appear to be a hetero-normative relationship. I love my wife, I love our relationship and have no intention of changing that. I’m also quite a private and shy person, so why reveal a personal aspect about myself when I don’t need to.

I think I can break it down into three headline reasons. These are intertwined but can be examined individually for ease and for the purpose of this blog. Before we delve deeper though, dear reader, i’ll let you into a little secret – I’ve only actually said “I’m bisexual” to four people in my circle: My wife and three of my best friends. Other than that, the only others are the Pride coordinator at my place of work, the former Diversity Lead at work, and my therapist. My opinion is that the only person you ever need to come out to is yourself, which leads us nicely to reason No.1

1) For me.

In my previous post “Why did it Take Me So Long?” I revealed that my mindset was that “Straight” had picked me, and this was the fundamental issue that ultimately led to such internal conflict. I wasn’t in control of my sexual identity – it had been chosen for me.

I’m not in control of my attractions but how I identify is my gift, as it is for everyone. However, rather than embracing this, I had let it be dictated by the relationship I was, and still am, in. Sounds weird, but that realisation really was the penny dropping, my light bulb moment, an epiphany …… clarity.

Taking control of my identity has enabled me to reflect on my feelings and emotions in a significantly improved manner. I no longer worry about these thoughts I get as I can now understand why I’m having these and where they come from. Don’t get me wrong – it ain’t easy. I have had to accept that I am not the person that I thought I was. My beliefs and outlook have changed because the person I thought I was, wasn’t actually me at all. It was a caricature, a representation of who I thought I should be and how I thought I should act. That person was mentally exhausting and physically tiring.

Finding ones “Authentic self” is a term I have seen often when people talk of coming out. For me, though, it wasn’t about finding, it was about banishing my other self to enable my true self to step out of the shadows and take control.

And it feels euphoric!

2) For my Wife

Once I had taken control, as such, I didn’t tell my wife immediately. My first action was that I actually started ticking the “Bisexual” box on surveys if they asked about orientation, and it felt good. But my acceptance released a flood of pent-up emotions that began to eat away at me. I don’t think I was trying to hide my bisexuality, I wrongly thought that as I had no intention of changing my relationship, that it didn’t matter to anyone but me.

What a fool! What an idiot! What a moron!

Of course it matters. How dare I even think not. My wife, whom I shall simply call “V” from now on, knows everything about me. I’ve always been honest and never kept any secrets. Then a secret was born. I now had a secret which created inner turmoil. And I owed it to her – honesty, in my opinion, is the best policy. It didn’t stay a secret very long.

V’s response has been all that I could’ve hoped for. Her support means the world to me and if I’m quite honest, some of the things I’ve said can’t have been easy to hear or process. And I’ve said some things that were, perhaps, too honest, too soon. I only hope that V can understand that my love for her grows each day and that I’m navigating stormy seas. V is my lifeboat. When I see my lifeboat, I am relieved, but I am also terrified that I will imperil my rescuer in the raging waters that she didn’t need to enter. But V didn’t hesitate.

I am lucky – I’ve read lots of posts and stories of those who haven’t been so lucky with their partner when coming out as bisexual, both male and female, straight or gay.

Which takes us to reason No.3

3) Representation

How can I quantify this? I don’t feel a responsibility, as such, more a want to say I am part of a group that seems to be massively underrepresented in real life. There are lots of surveys that say anywhere between 3-15% identify as not straight but I don’t think that is reflected in life. And it won’t, because sexuality is a very personal aspect for many people.

I was surprised by the UK Census, which, for the first time, included a question on sexuality last year, showed that those identifying as bisexual make up the single largest proportion of “non straight”. I don’t know any other bisexuals, so started to think that my close friends might not either. For the three I have told, they said as much. I will just add that I also wanted to tell these friends because they are dear to me and I wanted to.

It did lead to one of them actually admitting that whilst they are primarily attracted to their opposite gender and didn’t identify as bisexual, they had in the past liased with the same gender, therefore could not really call themselves straight.

This got me thinking. In my department at work, there are about fifty people. Statistically, around five would indentify as not straight. But I could’t think of anyone and they wouldn’t think it of me. With this in mind, I joined my workplace Diversity, Equity and Inclusivity group. The time will come in the near future that I will explain why I joined so will be “out” to my whole workplace. Maybe, just maybe, me standing up and openly sharing this will help somebody else, even in a small way.  Weirdly, I won’t be telling everyone. I won’t tell my father, nor most of my family and a few friends. My father wouldn’t understand, and I’m not really keen on my family thinking or speculating about my sex life.

I’m split on whether I should have told my mother, who passed away last year. I think I would have liked her to know because she raised me and, well, she was my mum. But she was a devout Catholic and of a generation that don’t seem to be equipt to understand.

So there we are, my reasons for coming out. Join me soon for more talk of bananas, sitting badly, lemon bars and lots of other fun stuff. I’ll also sort out the blog and make it look a bit prettier and sort some links to the socials.

Take care out there – too much fresh air can make you dizzy.

Si