Reflecting back on 20 odd years of denial is an important part of accepting my bisexuality. Such a significant period of time takes some unpacking, and I’ll admit that I am ultimately left with a knawing feeling of regret. I know I shouldn’t look back in this manner, but I do wish that I’d had the confidence and self-awareness so much earlier in my life to embrace my true self. I know why I didn’t, I can look back at key points where I had the opportunity, those crossroads moments, where instead of looking up at the signpost, I simply pressed on …… “Onwards dear boy, Straight ahead!”.
I can’t go back and take a different route, I am where I am. I am happy where I am. I have a wonderful partner who is my soulmate, my lover, my best mate, my reason for being. For that, I am thankful every single day. I have my children, the little mini me’s running around, terrorising my existence, making every day worth the strife for that hug and ultimate unconditional love. I am all too aware that I might not be where I am had I taken an alternative path at any of those crossroad moments.
But still, the niggle of regret persists.
I have often reflected on just what held me back and the reasons are multiple, deep, and nuanced. I am glad that I can begin to work through these and break them down. I am also thankful that I am able to access the broad range of opinions and emotions that are shared across multiple social networks and that orientation and identity are spoken about so much more freely than when I was in my late teens / early 20’s. Reading others stories, thoughts and experiences made me realise that I am not on my own, I am not freak and that I am valid. None of us will have the exact same experience, we are all individuals. But to be able to empathise and, well, compare notes has been pivotal in my own acceptance. I thoughroughly recommend setting up some anonomous accounts across multiple platforms and engage yourself through others. I found that I was drawn to Reddit more than any other, mainly due to the volume of posts and the general level of discussion and, on the whole, solidarity. But be warned, it is the internet, so the strongly opinionated can shout the loudest. Discussion on Reddit can quickly dive down a rabbit hole. Tumblr has it’s gate keepers. And Twitter / X is rapidly descending into a cesspit filled with trolls, right wing content, bots and porn, although there are still many great users there. I’m quite new to Threads, so i’ll see how that goes.
A common theme I see amongst bi questioning or curious males is masculinity. Quite simply, being attracted to other men diminshes masculinity or means an adoption of feminine traits. Whilst we could argue about the concept of masculinity, what it means to “be a man” etc, being a social construct that only reinforces the patriachy (spolier – it is, and it does), masculinity is an ingrained emotion in many men, intertwined closely with identity and personality.
My belief is that the quetion of masculinity can be broken down into two main areas – Sexual interaction(s) and outward appearance / perception. There are more, but these two tend to be the standout discussion points or areas of worry for many men, myself included. Let’s explore these topics further.
**** The following will include adult themes, descriptions and language ****
Sexual encounters are a big discussion point. There is a common view that sex between men and women is the male being dominant and the female being submissive. It’s a very binary outlook, which is why I purposefully mixed men / women with male / female in that last sentence above. The worry, it seems, is that by engaging in same gender sex means that, depending upon the “role” you take, you must adopt the associated traits. Therefore, if, as a man, you prefer to perform or receive, you automatically become submissive, adopting feminine traits and thus eroding your masculinity.
When getting down to the fun stuff, I consider myself as leading. I’m not strictly dominant, but do like to orchestrate proceedings for the pleasure of my partner and for my own gratification. I like to ensure that my partner is pleasured just as much as me. That may also mean being a little submissive in the sense of doing things that are considered submissive when framed against stereotypical gender roles. I enjoy exploring what feels good and what turns on my partner during play. I am willing and adventurous, but mindful. In terms of my same gender sexual play, I consider myself “verse”, basically meaning I will happily give or take (or both at the same time 😉), depending on how things play out.
Reflecing back, did my own man on man encounters in themselves make me question my masculinity? Maybe a little, but more my orientation. I didn’t feel at the time that I had undermined my own feelings of what it means to be a man. But in the years that followed, seeing and hearing various opinions on such matters did make me question. However, I am now secure in my own masculinity and what it means to me.
I am aware that for others, their sense of masculinity might be so ingrained, that they feel less masculine by simply thinking about about man on man action. There may be others that enjoy taking a dominant or submissive role. All I can say is that these are my thoughts and are from my own experience. And I now know that those experiences have not diminished my masculinity in any way. Potentially, my same sex encounters may even have increased my sense of being man. And if you forgive me a moment of crass humour – a passionate homoerotic romp is one hell of a manly activity!
On to appearance.
I questioned appearance within myself before I came out. I questioned as to whether I would need to begin to act a bit more feminine to actually be an authentic non-straight person. If people are to believe I’m Bi, then I needed to convince people by adding a little bit of stereotypical behaviour to my personality. But that’s when the penny dropped. I realised that in doing so I would just be reinforcing that stereotype. What I did realise is that it would be my choice to do so, not to convince others, but for me and me only. I did not feel that need, I was beginning to understand myself a whole lot more, and I knew that wasn’t me. In fact, my coming out made me feel empowered to do something I’d always wanted to do but felt too much self-doubt and worry over – to wear black nail varnish. Stick with me on this one – I am not trying to push a boundary or make myself appear more feminine. I grew up in the 80’s and 90’s against the backdrop of heavy metal and grunge. Ozzy Osbourne, Kurt Cobain, Iggy Pop, Robert Smith …… Bowie. I mean, come on! I just never had the bottle to actually do it. And then I did. And I did because I am secure in my masculinity and sexuality, understand myself a whole lot more, and, probably because of my age, don’t give a toss to what anyone thinks. Most importantly, I know these things have not diminished my masculinity.
How then, you may ask, if I believe representation is important, did I increase my own visibility if I have not outwardly altered my appearance or demeanour? In addition to the articles I wrote for work, I have joined my workplace DEI forum. I have also joined the LGBTQ+ supporters group of my favourite sports team. I wear a Bi flag belt and a pin badge. And, although a jokey Bi trope, I have started to turn up my jeans and trousers, but mainly because I think it looks good 😍. These are subtle things, but do get noticed.
A true sense of masculinity requires you to push back against societal conditioning and ask yourself “what does masculinity mean to me?”. Is a sense of masculinity important to you? For me, I take pride in providing for and protecting my family. I like to keep my body in check – I want my partner to find me attractive. I’ve never been one for confrontation, but i’ll stand up when needed. I’m a father. I’m a dependable friend. All these things fall under the “masculine” checklist but aren’t actually exclusively manly. Anyone could attribute the above to themselves. But they are personal traits that, when combined, build into my own sense of masculinity.
You may be thinking, “Well, good for you. Sounds like you’re sorted” or “all well and good, but how do I move past my own masculinity hangups?”.
Fair points.
Let me reassure you.
I still stumble occasionally, I still doubt myself, I still question. But I now quickly dismiss these insecurities. And, I can tell you why I am able to now do this so easily.
You see, I’ve come to realise that the concept of masculinity is a social and societal Catch 22, born from Victorian era idealism of “gentlemanly conduct”. On the one hand, to display masculine traits, you should be strong, assertive, courageous, decisive, and self-confident. An authentic leader who is sure of one’s own self. On the other hand, should you dare to display any sort of variance from the concept, you seemingly aren’t a true man – even if you are, in fact, decisively and self confidently declaring you authenticity.
So be a grizzled bear or an effeminate twink. Be a top, be a bottom, be a side. Push your boundaries, explore yourself. Paint your nails, wear a dress or some frilly knickers if that’s what you want to do. Challenge the invented rules and take some time to understand who you are. Be overt and stop the self-shaming. Gain the confidence to be authentic, and the rest will follow.
Reframe your masculinity.
Si (the very masculine 😉)
Living The Bi Life 
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