It’s all right, you know!

It feels pretty good, being outish. Out to my wife, out to close friends, out at work and out to a few hundred of you guys, both here and on a few socials.

And it’s all right.

And by “all right” I mean that it’s OK. It’s goodish, it’s positive, it feels nice overall. That’s probably my British sense of down-playing things, because you could describe coming out as being life changing (spoiler …. it is 🙃). But for me, that’s how I feel.

All right.

For so many years, I feared the worst. I feared that if I faced up to the truth and then actually told people, it would completely change my life – and not in a good way.

My relationship and home life. My social circle. My career. All at risk.

But you know what? I shouldn’t have worried. Once I realised that the only person that I really needed by my side is my wife, the rest is easy.

I suppose there was a risk that I could have misjudged, but in my heart, I was 99% sure my wife would be accepting. And I felt guilty for not letting her in sooner.

Now, don’t get me wrong here, I didn’t tell my wife one day, then tell the world the next. It has taken me a good couple of years to get to this point. Remember, I’ve basically been trying to break down over 20 years of denial, suppression, internal biphobia and continuous anxiety. Whilst dealing with all the stuff that life throws at you.

But as time goes on, coming out has become easier. I’m in control. I tell who I want, if I want and at my time of choosing. I’ll say it again….. I’m in control.

That is why I say it’s all right. What’s it like to be out?

It’s all right!

I am happier, I know myself better and the anxiety has receded to a low level. I now wear a Bi flag pin badge at work. I feel more confident and don’t really care what most people think of me. Those who I do care about have been ace – I almost feel the need to apologise to them for not saying sooner.

Of course – I couldn’t really have said sooner, could I? I wasn’t accepting and fully out to myself until a few years ago. So in comparison to the guilt of hiding secrets from my dearest, feeling a bit of guilt for not saying something sooner is easy.

Good for me, yippee, it’s going O.K. That could all change though – things do. I don’t want it to, but it might. You just don’t know for certain what the future holds. But, I’ll be all right.

Everybody is different. There are those that might never tell another soul. They might not want to. They might not be in the position to. They could be in serious danger if they did. I get that, so I’m not here to lecture or tell people that just like me, you should come out to those around you.

But what I can advise is that the single most important person who needs to know is you. That’s the great part, the best part. Once I admitted to myself that I was truly bisexual, my anxiety began to dissipate. Once I accepted one of the biggest factors of my being, I could begin to get to know myself. Like properly know myself. For the first time in 38 fuckin years on this planet

Introspection is hard. To look into ones own self and properly answer probing questions can be brutal. It’s not the asking of the questions ….. it’s actually answering them honestly and without leaving stuff out. It takes personal bravery. Some of the answers might not be what you expect nor want to hear.

But it’s worth it. Because as soon as I answered those questions, I realised that I was in control. And that was a defining moment in my life.  Most of life is not fully in my control. Sure, there are things I have high levels of control over, but all it takes is something unexpected and that control is taken away. I have mentioned in a previous post that when I met my now wife, I just accepted that the “straight life” had chosen me. That it was chosen for me. Not in my control.

My identity is now mine and mine only. And it feels righteous that, finally, I have arrived at that realisation.

So I say, take that step. Look in the mirror. Answer the difficult and probing questions. Be yourself and be in control of the one thing you can be ……. you.

It’s all right!

Si