I had a thought this week. “Isn’t it funny how I don’t find any of the lads attractive?” I mused. “I mean, statistically, you would have thought there would be at least one fitty that I have some sort of embarrassing (and never to be revealed) crush on. What a weird coincidence”.
What a “coincidence” indeed!
Lads – by which I mean my close male friends. Those I consider proper “mates”, the ones that I chat to, have a beer with, can call upon if I ever needed, and they could do the same with me.
I honestly do not have any inclination towards any of them over and above good friendship. That’s not to say I’m pals with a bunch of ogres, they are attaractive to someone – they all have partners and strong relationships. It’s just that they aren’t to my taste when it comes to romantic or sexual attraction.
I nearly dimissed this fleeting thought as just the coincidence. In fact, it wasn’t until the next day that it jumped into my mind again, but this time accompanied by a blurry image of some random male face, that quickly cleared to to become a recognisable memorised image of a man I was friends with at uni. We were on the same course, shared many lectures, got on well, but never ended up sharing more than a few beers or chance meetings in town on a night out. Shame, I thought, another person from my past that drifted by with little more than a passing wave from me.
A pattern is beginning to emerge in how my mind is working lately, especially when contemplating my bisexuality, or, more to the point, my lack of self recognition for 19 years. It can be a flood of pent-up emotion or, as in this case, a slower drip feed of thoughts and memories. A classic example of the genre in this particular scatter of ponderence, I recognised that I should probably delve into this a bit more – subconciously I was giving myself the opportunity and I’m learning not to ignore these brain prompts.
So back to my nearly mate from Uni.
First question:
Was I attracted to him?
BOOM – a doozy of a question. I can’t always face the hard questions first, but went straight in with this one. The direct approach can be effective.
Sooooo…… Was I?
Maybe. Too noncommittal? ………….. Well, yes then! When I first met the guy, I think I probably was attracted to him. Then I got to know him better and became more attracted. Then, I slowly began to build the barriers and convince myself I wasn’t attracted to him. I spent less time with him and in doing so “decided” I wasn’t attracted to him. So if I wasn’t attracted to him, why did I then distance myself from his company outside of uni? Because, on reflection, I did just that. He did invite me for beers, to watch sport, to watch films round at his. All of which I refused. As a mate, I might add. I do not believe I was distancing myself in case anything might happen between us, that was not my worry. I think I was just so messed up that I simply pushed people away that I had any glimmer of attraction to.
Second question:
Was this a one-off, or were there others?
Hard to be completely certain on this one, but the answer is yes, there were others. Right from middle school if I’m really honest, about aged 14 onwards. I can look back and find instances where I have denied myself potential good friendships due to underlying feelings and the fear that I associated with those feelings.
It wasn’t purposeful, I don’t think. I just couldn’t bring myself to form strong bonds when I had more than plutonic thoughts. I’ve already stated in a previous post that I wasn’t afraid of being gay, so it wasn’t a direct denial of sexuality, as such. Which brings us quickly to….
Third question:
It was always males, right?
Hmmmmmmmm. Wrong! Nope, I distanced myself from women too. Not all, I have had strong friendships with women, who I regard as mates just the same as I do my blokey friends. I was also more likely to chance romance with women, but there were times in the past when I have done the same thing and distanced myself. I really did not have my shit together, did I? I must have been a right mindf**k to those people. One minute hot, then blowing cold to the point where firendships fizzled out.
Last question
What’s really going on then, Si?
Here’s the thing. This little segment started as “Have I denied myself friendships with men, due to my male attraction?”. As the paragraphs above revealed, yes, but also with females. So this isn’t actually about my sexuality at all. This is a case of fear of rejection. I have lost potential friends due to some extraordinary caution I applied, the logic of which sits firmly within a common teen angst – the fear of rejection, or precisely, the fear of the pain that rejection might bring.
It seems that I keep trying to find a link between my insecurities and fragilities and my toilings with being bisexual. I jump all in to say, “Ah, there it is again …. being bisexual and my inner biphobia did this to me. “
But not in this instance. This is not to do with that at all. It was some sort of protection mechanism which I deployed to protect me from theoretical pain. It wasn’t born out of being a screwed up bisexual, it was born out of being a screwed up teenager!
Which is interesting! Do we all form our friendships in a similar way? Do we all distance ourselves from potetial pain and miss out in the long run? Is that how making and keeping friends works with everyone else, all of you?
Or am I just a weirdo?
Si
Living The Bi Life 
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